I’ve actually kept the post title of the WordPress ‘holding post’ they put on themes before you add your own. Part of me thinks it’s a really cliched title, but annoyingly, it’s also quite apt.
It’s not because anything is dramatically changing in my life right now, I’m not starting a new career, moving half way round the world or having a baby. I am, a little less dramatically, coming back to blogging.
It’s not the first time I’ve been on this ‘journey’. I started blogging years ago. The very first version was blogging because I was confused and scared about upcoming major heart surgery. That all sounds quite dramatic when I write it down here over 6 years later, but it’s how it all started. Any version of blogging I’ve ever done is a way of releasing my emotions and that’s what I was doing all those years ago when I was confused and upset by the daunting prospect of major surgery. I turned to blogging to reach out and spill out my feelings – and it made it better. I met people who were going through similar things and I was able to process and understand my feelings better and more rationally.
Ever since, I’ve tried to keep it going, until I got to a point where I tried so hard I gave up. I couldn’t keep up with the fast-paced and world of what I guess you could call ‘true blogging’ the bloggers who make careers. For a brief sneeze of time that’s what I wanted to be. Again, it stemmed from an emotional release, I’d finished Uni, moved to London with my Fiancé and struggled for the first however many months to find work. I turned to blogging again to release my confusion and frustrations of feeling like a failure for not having my shit together by the time I was 21. I’m now nearly 26, I’ve definitely still not got my shit together. I still find that a problem but I think I cope with it better than I did a few years ago.
I was enjoying my blogging to start with and amongst other ideas, none of which ever came to fruition, I thought about going into blogging for work. In the end I tried so hard I failed. It’s taken a while to admit that to myself, always telling myself that one day I’d go back to it and really make it work but over time I’ve realised that that’s not me. Creating content just for the sake of it completely lost my authenticity and I couldn’t do that to myself, no matter how hard I tried. Unfortunately, my old blog got shut down when I didn’t pay the renewal fee (lols), and part of me is sad because some of the most personal content I created which did, and still does, mean a lot to me is lost. But to be honest some of those posts were awful and are best left in the depths of the internet. Swings, roundabouts.
So why am I back? Why have I create a new blog, with a new brand? Because I really miss writing. I’ve kept writing for other projects and organisations in the mean time since my old blog stopped, and I love that, I still write for one (side note: read about my Husband’s epic tube walking challenge here) and I enjoy creating content. But by not having my own blog I’ve lost a space where I can write from my heart and release my emotions.
Writing is my creative outlet and yes I could do it in a notepad (sometimes I do actually) and keep it locked away because I’m pretty sure not a huge amount of people are bothered about reading my thoughts and feelings on the internet (in fact, past experience has told me that some people I know actively oppose reading my thoughts and feelings on the internet) but I like the creative element of a website and I can share thoughts and crucially for me, pictures here and you know what, partly it’s just because I can.
This blog isn’t for anyone else anymore, not in the way I used to try and create content; it’s self-indulgently all for me, but if others want to read and enjoy it, that’s a lovely bouns. It’s also why I’ve ditched my old blog branding. I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. I mean, I’m still mostly the same but I’ve grown and changed since then. I’ve learnt a lot these past few years and I’ve learnt that clinging on to some parts of the past isn’t good for me and as much as change terrifies me (anyone who’s had the ‘pleasure’ of helping me move house can tell you how much I love change… *insert eye roll here*), I’ve also learnt that some change is wholly necessary and beneficial when you look back on it. So now, in this sense a change of image is what’s needed. My name actually changed almost two years ago now when I got married and as horribly pretentious as this sounds (and I really don’t mean it to, honest) I’m growing into this name and I want to use my name going forward because I’m not writing under false pretences anymore. I’m writing for the true pleasure it brings to myself.
I’m too sure where this post is going, but even in it’s muddly mess, the muddly mess that was my brain 20 minutes ago before I started writing is now a bit clearer, a weight has been lifted and I already feel better.
I’m looking forward to having a place to write again. Sometimes the emotions will be raw and probably a bit negative, because this is when this space will be most important to and for me. Sometimes though, and I really want this to be the case, it will be the best bits of life, it will be the lovely day trips, the good books, the great new albums and the pretty new coats. It will be the things that have made me happy recently and sometimes just the mildly interesting things that have happened in my wonderfully ordinary day-to-day life. What I can promise it will be this time is authentic.
Oh, and there’ll be at least 1 post about gin. Probably more than 1.