This title sounds very dramatic but I couldn’t think of a softer way to say things. Once again, I’ve come back to my blog when I feel like I need it most. So much for trying to post more regularly again now, we all know it’s a lie every time I say it. An unintentional lie, I hasten to add, but this time I’m not gonna say it! Maybe this will be the first post of a regular posting spree, maybe it’s not.
Anyway, I’m back to blogging because I need to write and find the comfort I get from blogging again.
I was pretty secretive in my last post about what’s been going on and I’m not going to go into full details on here, but a lot has changed over the past few months. Some good, some bad. As of the end of April I no longer have a job. The ins and outs are known by friend and family, so I’m not going into it, but it’s been a bit of a whirlwind since then really. I threw a lot of time back into other things I was doing such as social media for the battle re-enactment society and regiment and into my crafting projects. So much so that I think I then burnt out a bit with them…
On what turned out to be a very quick turnaround, we also decided to use the opportunity of me no longer being tied to work in Central London to move house. We’d been talking about it for a while, so we’d been doing necessary research for a while beforehand anyway, the lack of commute just brought the process forward by about 10 months!
As I said, it all happened very quickly as we liked the very first house we saw and didn’t want to lose out on it. Anyway, we’ve been moved in for just shy of 3 weeks now and I’m very happy with the move. We’ve moved to a lovely, large village with lots of amenities and lots of opportunities to make friends, since we feel this is at least the area if not the very village we will make our home for some time to come.
We’ve already gone to the local church and joined a house group as part of that (well, I’ve been to the house group, Aidan’s been working!), there’s a riding stables in the village that I’ve gone to enquire at and will be joining soon and we already have friends from the re-enactment society living in the area too, which is great. All in all, I feel it’s going to be a great move for us. Somewhere I can finally start to put down some roots, something I haven’t done and that I’ve missed having for the past 4 years.
I’m looking forward to ‘getting started’ and at the moment that feels like it’s still to come. It will happen when I get a job and can get into a routine. I am really struggling at the moment, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of purpose. I think when I first left my old job, I was sure things would be fine and that I’d get back on track pretty sharpish, I’d find another job and be ok, but partly due to moving and having to re-start the search now we’ve moved it hasn’t happened like that.
I think leaving my old job has knocked my confidence more than I realised at first. Now I constantly read job adverts of stuff I know, logically, I can do and now wonder if actually I am any good at that, whether I could do it etc. I’ve lost a lot of self-worth and I need to be able to prove to myself that I can do well. I’m itching to get back into work but the very thought of applications and interviews and CVs makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry. It’s a vicious circle I’m slowly starting to break. I will be so very glad when I’m finally successful and able to put it all behind me.
I know somehow it will all fall into place, but right now I’m really struggling to find my purpose, so I’ve decided to try and combat it by setting some monthly and weekly goals. I drew fancy titles in a notebook to make me feel better and now I’m aiming to complete some personal goals over the course of August, to try and see that I’m not just wasting my days and that I am achieving things. I’m not listing them (hence why the photos are ‘artily’ blurred) because they’re personal to me but they include both practical things like keeping on top of the housework (which whenever I’m feeling rubbish I usually let mount up until I have a cry about why my house is a mess… newsflash, because you let it get in a mess! One day I’ll learn…) and less practical but equally important things like finishing a craft project, walking somewhere every day and blogging.
I’ve set myself 6 broader goals for the month and a list of 10 smaller goals for the first week, it’s a bit nicer than the mundane ‘to-do’ list I write every day of all the boring stuff like ‘hang out the washing’…
Anyway, I’m not sure if it will work, if I’ll stick to making a new page each week or if it will help me, but I want to give it a try, I really want to find my purpose again, I miss having things to do and something to get out the house for.