So yesterday was tough, it turns out I am very unlikely to have a job at the end of this after all. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, because of how much I like my job and my colleagues. This is a sad set of circumstances for a company who have looked after me well so my only resentment is towards the circumstances that have caused this, not my place of work. That being said, I know overall I cannot in any way blame myself for this and I am leaving with hugely increased confidence in my abilities. I owe them a lot and will be parting on sad, but in no way bitter terms.
I have various options to consider and I’m not very sure at all what the next steps will be. There is a significant crossroad due to be navigated, but having looked at the most pressing potential consequences yesterday and knowing that somehow our heads will stay just above water, the next few weeks are not about next steps and future plans.
Right now, in this strange time I am concentrating on surviving well. I am incredibly proud of how well I have coped so far, far exceeding mine or my nearest and dearest’s expectations, given my previous mental health struggles. I’m in pretty good spirits for saying I am living apart from my Husband and haven’t gone further than the end of my drive to put the bin out in almost 6 weeks. I haven’t excelled but that is more than ok, I am surviving and doing that well. A bit like these beautiful roses my friend bought me, I am surviving pretty well, a little rough around the edges, for far longer than anyone expected (these roses were given to me 16 days ago!). And for the next 6 weeks I will not focus much at all on the what ifs or the next steps. There is far too much fluidity in life at the moment to be making big concrete decisions and not all that much I even can do to work towards them at the moment anyway.
For the next 6 weeks or however long the period of shielding for vulnerable people lasts, I want to maintain how well I’ve been doing. I will concentrate on living each day calmly, quietly and positively. I will keep getting up, getting dressed and eating at least 1 proper meal a day (usual key indicators to me that I’m not coping are not doing the above more than one day in a row, a pyjama day is fine, two pyjama days is personal indicator something is wrong).
There will be sad days, nothing-y grey days where nothing’s really wrong but nothing at all is making me super happy and they are all natural, normal and perfectly ok. But overall, I want to spend the next 6 or so weeks just like the previous 6 because I have proved so much to myself, tackled a few demons head on (and with minimal negative, often positive consequences) and brought a lot of things into line. The slow, the quiet, the mild discipline with myself to aid motivation, the things I used to hate too much of have been the making of me the past few weeks.
I truly believe that if I can maintain how I’m feeling now, when I come back out into the world again I will be more prepared and more confident to take the next steps in life. I feel that I will be starting job hunting in a much stronger place mentally than I ever have before and although it will suck, job hunting ALWAYS sucks, it won’t suck anywhere near as much as before. It will get there, eventually, and this time I’ll be ready. But not for 6 weeks or so, which is just fine.
I wrote all of the above late last night, and it was so helpful for me, it made me feel so much better. And then I went to spend time reading my bible, I use an app with this to suggest verses etc and the below photo was the verse of the day. I’m not expecting everyone to suddenly think ‘yes, there must be a God’, that’s your own choice, but for me to have such a powerful verse shown to me, so relevant and poignant to my day and situation, it was an incredible feeling. I felt even more at peace with my situation, a calm I have not known or felt for a very, very long time. It’s going to be ok.
P.S, I am aware that everyone’s lock down experiences are going to be wildly different. I am thankful and know I am lucky to be getting through this fairly unscathed and I’m very aware that is not going to be the case for everyone. If you are reading this and thinking ‘I wish my lock down was so positive, I’m hating every moment of this’, I first and foremost hope you are ok and are able to reach out to those around you for the love, support and encouragement you need. I really am thinking of those who will not be in such a position and sincerely mean it when I say, if you are struggling, please reach out, to whoever you can or want to, but if you want to message me, I am more than happy to be a listening ear. Take care of yourselves, do whatever you need to do to get through this safely and securely. That includes not really doing much and just being, there are no ‘right’ ways to navigate a pandemic.