Thanks, but I don’t want to.

Thanks, but I don’t want to.

I am eternally grateful for all the nice comments people have said in these last 62 days. I am by and large feeling more positive thanks to everyone who has told me I am doing well during this, and I have proved to myself I am a lot stronger than I thought, but I don’t want to be told these things anymore. Because I don’t want to have to continue to live in this strange, cold and disconnected way.

I am so very lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends who are ensuring that all my needs are met. They are doing a wonderful job and this is not a reflection on the wonderful care they are ensuring I get during this time. But I don’t want other people doing my shopping for me anymore. I want to have the freedom to do it for myself. I am perfectly capable and I miss the pretty drive to and pottering around the farm shop, picking up new things to try on a whim and being fully in control of the food I am buying.

I have very much enjoyed all of the online meet ups I have been part of over the past 9 weeks. They have helped to keep me sane, they have brightened my days and lifted my spirits. But I don’t want more Zoom or Facebook Messenger Video calls. I want to see my friends, connect with them in reality, laugh with them, comfort them and cry with them both happy and sad tears. I want to have my friends come for dinner and board games, sit around campfires with them in the warm summer evenings and have days full of everything and nothing with them, depending on what takes our fancy.

My garden is a little solace during this time, something I appreciate and understand I am fortunate to have, but I don’t want to watch Summer come and go in the same little square and same view out of my windows, the way I’ve only been able to observe the entirety of spring. I want to be out in it, marvelling at the wonder of nature around me, breathing in the smell of the forest or hearing the waves crash on the shore of a lake or a beach.

I don’t want to meet my friends’ new babies, or watch my friend’s children who have previously been a big part of my life, grow up in a series of photos and videos. I want to cuddle and coo over the babies, and celebrate the achievements of, play games and talk with my friend’s children. I want to be there for these children in the way that my parent’s friends were when I was little, playing with me, chatting with me and generally being around to watch me grow up and guide me.

I want to be there for those same parents, my friends. I want to be able to sit and chat with them about the ups and the downs, help out where I can, distract the children to give them 5 minutes of peace or unload the dishwasher to give them 5 more minutes with their little person. I want to be helpful and useful, or just there as a friendly face. I don’t want to have to organise someone else to deliver my meals on the meal rota, because that doesn’t really make me any use after all.

I am garetful for every single phone call with every single person who’s been there to cheer me up when I’ve needed it so far these past couple of months, but I don’t want to have to be on the phone to someone to get a distanced form of comfort. I want to cuddle up on the sofa with my Husband, hug my parents tight when life’s getting tough or cry on a friend’s shoulder for a while over superficial things, until I realise they’re not worth crying about.

I am glad my Brownies are enjoying some time to work through the badges that are designed for them to do at home, in their own time and I am so thankful that the parents are sending me pictures, which are bringing me little flashes of joy at the moment. But I don’t want them to be sending me picutres. I want my girls to be running into meetings, all excited, to tell me and show me what they have been getting up to as they work towards these badges. I want to hear their excited voices and see their pride in themselves for completing their tasks.

I would kill for a weekend offline, to reset my mind and remind myself that life doesn’t need to be lived out on technology, to remind myself there are so many other activities to get stuck into, but cutting off technology right now, much as it would do one part of my brain the world of good, would cut off the only form of communication I have with the outside world. I don’t want to go 3 or 4 days speaking to absolutely no one, seeing absolutely nothing bar the brief snatch of my neighbours’ lives that would play out, outside my window during that time.

I’d give anything to leave my house right now. The way the people at the top are acting, with their blasé attitudes to the very same rules they are enforcing on the rest of us almost makes me think it’s not as bad as they’re making out, since they seem to think there’s not much risk to themselves or their families. Then I remember that somehow in this twisted society you don’t need much intelligence to get to the top, and to trust the scientists and doctors who do actually have the intelligence, and that their advice is still to stay in here and so this is where I shall stay.

I want to be getting out and about again, going to the cafe or the garden centre like everyone else is. Picking up my own bits and bobs. I want to be getting back out into the world at the same time as everyone else, but thanks to the Government’s insistence to lift restrictions quickly to ‘restart the economy’ which will line their pockets at the expense of so many more lives and thanks to theirs’ and a myriad of selfish members of the public’s refusal to listen to the advice of those who know what they’re talking about, I feel that this life I don’t want to be living in this way is going to be drawn out even longer for me and others who are vulnerable.

I want to be out there, living life, instead of counting the days going by. Enjoying the tactile and the tangible, celebrating with friends and relatives in their company, not through a tiny screen.

I am fully aware that when I am finally allowed out of these four walls, my life will be very different. Due to the loss of my job, and starting up on my own, my life will not look all much like it did before, when it comes to the day to day. I am ok with that, lockdown life has taught me some wonderfully valuable lessons that I am glad I have had the opportunity to learn. It is presenting me with the opportunity to restart life again in a new way, in a way that supports me better mentally and physically, that no longer requires me to be a slave to my career at the expense of other areas of my life and I am excited for that. But I don’t want to learn these lessons anymore. I want to be out there, putting them into practise.

I am in no way ungrateful for any of the wonderful things I have talked about above during lockdown. I am incredibly lucky to have been surrounded by a number of kind souls who have done so many things to keep me going during this time. I am not negating a single thing they have done, I’m just tired of this way of living. I’m quite honestly just a bit hungover emotional and a bit pissed off seeing so many people acting so selfishly without a care of how it must feel to watch that, when you have no choice but to live like this. Watching people who already have the freedom to leave their house each day, albeit in limited ways, complain about having no freedom is tough. I appreciate everyone is having a tough time, it is perfectly within everyone’s right to have a moan, but it isn’t easy to watch it happen and just ignore it. I’m only human and I don’t have that much grace, although I am trying to improve.

Here’s to better days and light at the end of a tunnel, sooner rather than later if at all possible.

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