This blog post isn’t going to be pretty, there’ll be no photos but tonight I just need to write.
This week has been so hard. There have been a lot of tears and moments of sadness. I am fed up of them, I do not want to feel like I do, but yet again I seem to be incapable of stopping it.
And it’s that capability that is where the problem lies. To feel like the world isn’t falling down around my ears, there are is a certain amount that I have to get done to keep it that way. And I am not trying to live in a pristine house that is free from every speck of dust or live the most ethically, organic life. But I have a house full of cream carpets (NOT by choice) so I do need to hoover from time to time and the kitchen and bathrooms need to see some cleaning spray more often than once in a blue moon and after a few days we run out of clean cutlery and crockery, much to my dismay. My husband and I do also have to eat and in a bid to remain scurvy free and not entrenched in debt those meals need to be vaguely healthy and we can’t afford to buy lunch every day.
But seemingly, if I want to have a somewhat overwhelm-free existence, I have to concentrate on all of those things so hard and dedicate all my time to them, which makes me sad because from time to time, I’d like to do something a little more fulfilling. I don’t want my entire existence to be based on washing up and making dinner. (Please don’t think my Husband doesn’t help. He does his fair share, I am not forced to do all the housework! Not sure that makes my lack of execution any better though…)
I love being a Brownie Leader, I want to pull my weight on the Scout & Guide Committee as without that committee and facility I wouldn’t have a space for my Brownies and I to meet. I have had an enjoyable couple of days volunteering at my local steam railway and combined with my knitting business, that has made me feel like I have a sense of purpose again beyond my own home. Again, I have to stress that I am not looking for perfection in the interesting aspects either. I’d like to run a small business that does well enough to make the effort worth it and I can accept that I will never be the best, most creative and ambitious Brownie Leader. I just want to do these things at an acceptable standard. But I do really want to do them. I enjoy them and want that sense of purpose.
But I feel like I can’t do these things and the day to day, I can’t ever strike a balance that really shouldn’t be that difficult to strike. One moment of turning my back on the day to day and before I know it the whole lot has crashed down around me. And by the time that I’ve got that back on track again to a passable living standard, I have half a moment to get ready for a Brownie Meeting and I’ve somehow lost 3 days of knitting time. I don’t want everything to be perfect, I just want to feel like I don’t have to choose everyday living over fulfilment or choose fulfilment and end up with overwhelm.
And yes, I now know why I struggle with keeping on top of the day to day. ADHD is essentially a lack of executive function. All the planning in the world, the reminders, the meal plans, the to do lists, the schedules and cleaning rotas won’t replace the lack of executive function and that is why I struggle. Understanding the why is nice, but ultimately, understanding why my brain works differently doesn’t put more than 1 healthy meal a week on the table. It gives me the ability to better explain to others exactly why I struggle, but it doesn’t clean my house and give me back the ability to feel in control of menial day to day tasks and run Brownies on a Monday.
I feel like I try so hard, I am constantly busy (mainly busy running in circles, it seems) there are always so many things on my list to get round to, and from time to time I am really proud of some of my achievements, but I would be happy to just feel like I wasn’t constantly firefighting. To feel like I wasn’t constantly picking my battles and choosing a life I like or a life full of boring tasks just to make the overwhelm going away. As I said, I am proud of some of my achievements, the big and the small, but my biggest achievement and the one I’d like to succeed at most of all is a vaguely interesting life free from regular overwhelm. One day…