At The Crossroads Without a Map

At The Crossroads Without a Map

Currently, I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, with a sign as helpful as the one above, without a map. And in all honesty it’s a struggle. I don’t intend to sound as dramatic as this does, but in March everything changed for me, not a single part of my life, bar my home (for that I am grateful) stayed the same and I have been floating in limbo ever since. I lost my job, my hobbies stopped, my community responsibilities changed drastically and any semblance of a sense of purpose went with south with them and now I have no idea a) what I want, b) how to get there or c) how to cope with the complete lack of stability that it’s causing.

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What does it feel like to be diagnosed with ADHD? In short, I don’t know.

What does it feel like to be diagnosed with ADHD? In short, I don’t know.

This morning, after my final diagnosis appointment with a Psychiatrist, I have been diagnosed with Combined-ADHD. In short, this means I have both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive traits and in terms of the ADHD spectrum, my Dr said I was moderate. I’m thankful that this process hasn’t taken very long and that options available to me for private treatment via the NHS have meant that I have not had to face long waiting times and I have the answers to my suspicions. In terms of what else I am feeling about this diagnosis, well, many things, and it’s going to take me some time to process those feelings. So I’m starting the only way I know how: writing.

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A Relentless Cycle

A Relentless Cycle

So, I am now a lot closer to an ADHD diagnosis than I thought I would be by now as there was a way for me to speed up the process. I also appreciate that this may turn out to not be that, although the more I read about it and have seen from others’ experience this week, the more it feels like ‘the shoe fits’, but regardless of what it turns out to be, this week has made me evalute myself a lot more and has forced me to have to try and articulate what I mean about how I feel and how I find things. And it’s made me identify what I find hardest about whatever this is.

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Re-adjusting

Re-adjusting

Holme Fen – Big Skies!

Today, for the first time since the end of March, I looked in my Filofax. Usually the small, treasured item that organises my life and it looked at most days, it has been left untouched for the best part of 3 months. There were some things scribbled out in it, from when Covid-19 first started cancelling all our plans, but I had stopped at the middle of June, unsure at the time how long the virus would last. I don’t think any of us were really sure and June let alone September still felt like a long time away, so cancelling things beyond June seemed silly. I wasn’t naive in thinking they were definitely going to be fine, but I also didn’t know so it was worth leaving them for the time being.

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Why I have Black Women to thank for great curly hair.

Why I have Black Women to thank for great curly hair.

I’m not usually one to boast about the compliments I receive. I usually receive them awkwardly like a typical, dorky, anxious millennial, but if I was asked a direct question, which feature do you receive the most compliments about, it is my hair. I am lucky to have volume-rich, curly hair and as I try and tackle my own self confidence issues, it’s a feature I am proud of and like about myself.

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Violence will always be prevalent in a world that never truly learns its lessons.

Violence will always be prevalent in a world that never truly learns its lessons.

I’m tired of seeing quite clearly hollow posts and comments that only utter ‘violence is not the answer’ and words to that effect from people (and let’s be honest, mainly white people) in the few days since the tragic death of George Floyd.

I’d like to make it crystal clear that the posts calling for peaceful protest and constructive action are not the posts I mean here. These posts are the best posts in this time. 

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Surviving Well

Surviving Well

So yesterday was tough, it turns out I am very unlikely to have a job at the end of this after all. It’s a bitter pill to swallow,  because of how much I like my job and my colleagues. This is a sad set of circumstances for a company who have looked after me well so my only resentment is towards the circumstances that have caused this, not my place of work. That being said, I know overall I cannot in any way blame myself for this and I am leaving with hugely increased confidence in my abilities. I owe them a lot and will be parting on sad, but in no way bitter terms.

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Lockdown Life – Learning to do what matters to you

Lockdown Life – Learning to do what matters to you

Hello! I say ‘I’ve finally got time to write again’ when we’re already 5 weeks into lockdown, but I guess it’s that I’ve got both time and inspiration again. Lockdown and this bizarre situation has also made me focus in on a couple of things too, which link hand in hand to form this blog post and the basis for new ones too.

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Life is better with routine – why do I find this so hard?!

Life is better with routine – why do I find this so hard?!

So I’ve been thinking a lot about routine and structure recently. Since starting my new job at the beginning of June, I’ve been trying to work in a vague routine. Wake at 7, out the door at 8:30am, back home at 5:30pm and depending on the day of the week, either back out for things in the evening or at home trying to balance between some time spent doing housework and making time for things I enjoy such as blogging, knitting, watching tv etc. Wrap everything up by 9:45pm so I can tidy up for half an hour or so, then I have 45 minutes (ish) to meditate and get ready for bed. This is for weekdays by the way, weekends are a bit more anything goes.

The waking up, going to bed, leaving and returning to the house times tend to be adhered to pretty well but everything else seems to go out of the window half the time. Yet, I know I feel best when I’m in a routine and being equal parts productive and resting. I am fully aware that real life cannot be portioned up into neat little blocks of time, things come out of the blue and plans change, but why, when it’s not due to out of the blue things, do I still seem to let my routine slip, knowing full well this will set me up to fail?

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