Acceptance: We Move. We Grow.

Acceptance: We Move. We Grow.

Today I had another therapy session for my ADHD and tonight it really got me think about acceptance. I thought I had accepted my diagnosis, but the reality is, I haven’t finished that process yet. I thought I was ok with the new diagnosis, the having to explain to those around me and the new found understanding of my habits and characteristics, and the reality it that isn’t untrue, but it’s a far longer process than I thought it was. It’s going to take me a long time to really accept this and be comfortable, and that’s ok.

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Life On the Struggle Bus – Living when the ‘Ability To Do The Thing’ bit of your brain doesn’t work properly.

Life On the Struggle Bus – Living when the ‘Ability To Do The Thing’ bit of your brain doesn’t work properly.

I’m struggling, and the truth is I have been for as long as I can remember. I’m not writing this to try and sound purposefully attention seeking or negative, just to be honest. It’s a lot easier to be honest with how you are feeling when you know why you are feeling like it, and therefore I have a lot of things to start admitting and acknowledging now I know what is the cause of a lot of it.

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Would you still bully me today?

Would you still bully me today?

I chose this photo because I really like it and also, vainly, because it got lots of likes when I posted it on social media. Over 100 people liked a simple photo of me finally having bothered to put make up on in the middle of last Summer. But much as we shouldn’t be living life for the likes, I’ll admit the interest it garnered and the nice comments people wrote underneath it buoyed my confidence in my appearance, something I have struggled with all my life.

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At The Crossroads Without a Map

At The Crossroads Without a Map

Currently, I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, with a sign as helpful as the one above, without a map. And in all honesty it’s a struggle. I don’t intend to sound as dramatic as this does, but in March everything changed for me, not a single part of my life, bar my home (for that I am grateful) stayed the same and I have been floating in limbo ever since. I lost my job, my hobbies stopped, my community responsibilities changed drastically and any semblance of a sense of purpose went with south with them and now I have no idea a) what I want, b) how to get there or c) how to cope with the complete lack of stability that it’s causing.

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What does it feel like to be diagnosed with ADHD? In short, I don’t know.

What does it feel like to be diagnosed with ADHD? In short, I don’t know.

This morning, after my final diagnosis appointment with a Psychiatrist, I have been diagnosed with Combined-ADHD. In short, this means I have both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive traits and in terms of the ADHD spectrum, my Dr said I was moderate. I’m thankful that this process hasn’t taken very long and that options available to me for private treatment via the NHS have meant that I have not had to face long waiting times and I have the answers to my suspicions. In terms of what else I am feeling about this diagnosis, well, many things, and it’s going to take me some time to process those feelings. So I’m starting the only way I know how: writing.

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A Relentless Cycle

A Relentless Cycle

So, I am now a lot closer to an ADHD diagnosis than I thought I would be by now as there was a way for me to speed up the process. I also appreciate that this may turn out to not be that, although the more I read about it and have seen from others’ experience this week, the more it feels like ‘the shoe fits’, but regardless of what it turns out to be, this week has made me evalute myself a lot more and has forced me to have to try and articulate what I mean about how I feel and how I find things. And it’s made me identify what I find hardest about whatever this is.

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Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid, Do It Anyway.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid, Do It Anyway.

This image may not look like much and may not strike anyone as significant, after all it’s just a ticked off to-do list, but this is a to-do list I completed pro-actively and without the constant feeling of overwhelm and that is where the achievement and significance lies. As organised and ‘together’ as I look on the outside, it’s a constant uphill struggle that rarely ends in a win.

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Thanks, but I don’t want to.

Thanks, but I don’t want to.

I am eternally grateful for all the nice comments people have said in these last 62 days. I am by and large feeling more positive thanks to everyone who has told me I am doing well during this, and I have proved to myself I am a lot stronger than I thought, but I don’t want to be told these things anymore. Because I don’t want to have to continue to live in this strange, cold and disconnected way.

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