Currently, I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, with a sign as helpful as the one above, without a map. And in all honesty it’s a struggle. I don’t intend to sound as dramatic as this does, but in March everything changed for me, not a single part of my life, bar my home (for that I am grateful) stayed the same and I have been floating in limbo ever since. I lost my job, my hobbies stopped, my community responsibilities changed drastically and any semblance of a sense of purpose went with south with them and now I have no idea a) what I want, b) how to get there or c) how to cope with the complete lack of stability that it’s causing.Read more
This morning, after my final diagnosis appointment with a Psychiatrist, I have been diagnosed with Combined-ADHD. In short, this means I have both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive traits and in terms of the ADHD spectrum, my Dr said I was moderate. I’m thankful that this process hasn’t taken very long and that options available to me for private treatment via the NHS have meant that I have not had to face long waiting times and I have the answers to my suspicions. In terms of what else I am feeling about this diagnosis, well, many things, and it’s going to take me some time to process those feelings. So I’m starting the only way I know how: writing.Read more
As is usual for this time of year I have been reflecting on the year and I think, as most people will also agree for their own reasons, it is not one I will look back on particularly fondly.Read more
So, I am now a lot closer to an ADHD diagnosis than I thought I would be by now as there was a way for me to speed up the process. I also appreciate that this may turn out to not be that, although the more I read about it and have seen from others’ experience this week, the more it feels like ‘the shoe fits’, but regardless of what it turns out to be, this week has made me evalute myself a lot more and has forced me to have to try and articulate what I mean about how I feel and how I find things. And it’s made me identify what I find hardest about whatever this is.Read more
This image may not look like much and may not strike anyone as significant, after all it’s just a ticked off to-do list, but this is a to-do list I completed pro-actively and without the constant feeling of overwhelm and that is where the achievement and significance lies. As organised and ‘together’ as I look on the outside, it’s a constant uphill struggle that rarely ends in a win.Read more
After moving to our current house just under 2 years ago, I fairly quickly discovered there was a lake essentially behind the estate that we live on at the top end of our village. The lake separates our village from the next settlement, a new housing development on the edge of Peterborough.Read more
I am eternally grateful for all the nice comments people have said in these last 62 days. I am by and large feeling more positive thanks to everyone who has told me I am doing well during this, and I have proved to myself I am a lot stronger than I thought, but I don’t want to be told these things anymore. Because I don’t want to have to continue to live in this strange, cold and disconnected way.Read more
So yesterday was tough, it turns out I am very unlikely to have a job at the end of this after all. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, because of how much I like my job and my colleagues. This is a sad set of circumstances for a company who have looked after me well so my only resentment is towards the circumstances that have caused this, not my place of work. That being said, I know overall I cannot in any way blame myself for this and I am leaving with hugely increased confidence in my abilities. I owe them a lot and will be parting on sad, but in no way bitter terms.Read more
So I’ve been thinking a lot about routine and structure recently. Since starting my new job at the beginning of June, I’ve been trying to work in a vague routine. Wake at 7, out the door at 8:30am, back home at 5:30pm and depending on the day of the week, either back out for things in the evening or at home trying to balance between some time spent doing housework and making time for things I enjoy such as blogging, knitting, watching tv etc. Wrap everything up by 9:45pm so I can tidy up for half an hour or so, then I have 45 minutes (ish) to meditate and get ready for bed. This is for weekdays by the way, weekends are a bit more anything goes.
The waking up, going to bed, leaving and returning to the house times tend to be adhered to pretty well but everything else seems to go out of the window half the time. Yet, I know I feel best when I’m in a routine and being equal parts productive and resting. I am fully aware that real life cannot be portioned up into neat little blocks of time, things come out of the blue and plans change, but why, when it’s not due to out of the blue things, do I still seem to let my routine slip, knowing full well this will set me up to fail?Read more
This title sounds very dramatic but I couldn’t think of a softer way to say things. Once again, I’ve come back to my blog when I feel like I need it most. So much for trying to post more regularly again now, we all know it’s a lie every time I say it. An unintentional lie, I hasten to add, but this time I’m not gonna say it! Maybe this will be the first post of a regular posting spree, maybe it’s not.
Anyway, I’m back to blogging because I need to write and find the comfort I get from blogging again.